Suitcase Series: Leilani Carrasco

Welcome back to the Suitcase Series, where I interview my friends about creative work. This has been a long time coming, and I’m so happy to introduce you to Leilani. We met through a mutual friend’s book club in 2014. I used to buy her bright pink prickly pear jam at the farmer’s market and my kids loved it so much. Leilani is a copywriter, poet, podcaster, house cleaner and newlywed. We got a chance to catch up a while back, and recently did a photo shoot in Monday Shirt and Tuesday Trousers dyed with cochineal, an insect dye native to the American southwest. The top is made from material handwoven in Bangladesh from recycled cutting floor scraps, and the pants are European milled linen. I did my best to add links to everything Leilani mentioned that I was curious about and thought you might be too.

Quick disclaimer. Reading back through this interview, I was struck a little by my clumsiness as an interviewer, and was tempted to clean it up, but I left most of it as is. My interviewing skills are a work in progress. I wish I had let go of my scripted questions a little, and left more space for the brilliant things Leilani had to say, and I wish I had made smoother more natural transitions. I left this authentic to our interaction as a learning moment. We are all learning new skills, and can all show up imperfectly, while also continuing to learn to listen better. Thank goodness we don’t have to get cancelled or kicked out of movements for being still in process. I think you will still love hearing from Leilani, and if you are wanting more, check out her podcast Shall We Unpack This.

Addie: Tell me how are things going, and what has changed in your life recently?

Leilani: Something last night, I said to Tim, When I got married, I was used to being alone, so I had a corner of my mind where I thought, I'm still going to do a lot of stuff by myself. I want to sleep in my own bed, and go on a lot of trips by myself. And now, we had to sleep in different beds because he did a sleep study, and I missed him. I told him yesterday, I was going to plan a by-myself birthday trip, but now I want to take you with me, so I think I like you. I like you enough to travel with you. It's just been so beautiful and surprising when you really truly like a person and want them with you. It's been sweet, this growing closer even since last year when we got engaged I was still holding…

Addie: When I was planning this, you were going through this big change, but I didn't want  to word it like, "Ooh Leilani, you've achieved the classic dream. You are married now, so you must be like self actualized." But you made a choice that was a big change for you, and how to honor that.

Leilani: Yeah a big change. Totally. People were like, "You said you were never getting married" "I know. I know, he was just that good of a person," and it was like, if I don't step into this person, I will never be able to step into love. There will always be some reason, or no, they're not good enough, or not perfect enough, and then when I'm an old lady I'll be like, "You fool. You never really walked through love, and really gave it a good chance, you just ran away from it all." I thought, I think this is the person that's worth that.

Addie: I agree. I think the beautiful thing about marriage, and about our decision to still try to be a part of some sort of church, even when that's been rough, has been the work of being with people who are imperfect and who are different. And not even different in major ways sometimes, just separate entities from ourselves. I think that's an enriching experience, even though it's sometimes very complicated.

Addie: What have your recent changes meant for your creative life?

Leilani: This is like a really deep answer, especially going into copywriting, and putting my writing into a career, I feel like with love and relationships and growing and knowing my own boundaries within myself seems simple. Translating that to a career just seems like, No, that's a mountain I've never been able to climb, and so in a way it's given me practice of worthiness, boundaries, of things I can take into my creative work. Just a deservingness. Knowing I deserve to show up just as much as anyone else. And that really has been my creative work, not even the creating, just feeling worthy enough to be seen, to be heard, to even make the damn stuff. So I think a lot of a healthy relationship, and all of the unfolding, and all of the integrity, that whole process has allowed me to almost get to a higher state of mental capacity to tackle that on a more outward vulnerable level.

It was only until just like, this Monday, when I was like, even if no one is interested in what I have, I still deserve to go out there and put it out there.

Addie: If any of my friends adds a new account because they're doing a new project, I'm going to follow it, so I followed your writing account. I have known you mostly through book club, like consuming the same things, but not on a deeper level, but you say so much, you can make such a big impact with so few words.

Leilani: I love that. That's my favorite. How can we hone this down to where nothing is distracting. I can still work on honing it, but sometimes I'm like I just want to push publish instead of editing it more, and then I edit it about ten times after it's published. I hit that edit button a lot.

Addie: When you wake up in the morning, how do you feel like you want to show up in the world?

Leilani: Hmmm. When I wake up in the morning, the goal is to simply show up in the world. Especially with a new thing. I remember in 2014 when I started this cleaning business, I would sometimes not get out of bed until noon, because I was afraid. If I get out of bed, then my day starts, and then I'm going to fail. So I would not even show up. I have a sticky note on my computer PARTICIPATE. So when I wake up in the morning, and I feel afraid to even show up, I do what's called the Deep Imagining, through this Neural Reprogramming thing that I subscribe to. And if I want to show up more worthy that day, unblocked… It varies from day to day, but usually if I want to be less triggered by this. I want to be unblocked in this mindset. I want to be worthy and deserving in this area. It depends, but usually it's along those things.

Addie: That's incredible. A way deeper answer than my question deserved. I was just talking about clothes. I like to start the clothes question this way, because I found I can make Pinterest boards or mood boards, as somebody like, outside, as a designer, liking a lot of things, and shopping with parents with really different taste from me, I realized I had grown up able to appreciate something good in a lot of things, so I can make a whole mood board of all these things and think that I want 10,000 outfits, and never feel satisfied. I've read so many wardrobe planning books who all really have the same approach, but Anuschka Rees, her book, The Curated Closet, said to journal about what you want to wear each day. Like when I get up, what is my dream outfit for today?

Leilani: Okay

Addie: So you're still kind of dreaming and fantasizing, but for your actual self, and not like what other people do I like, what looks good on her.

Leilani: Yes! I love that, because then when you say, how do I want to show up in the world, a phrase I've been thinking about a lot it, what Anne Handley says, she's a copywriter guru, but she says, "Tell a truer story" Tell a true story, but tell it even truer. Like, this is my authentic self, how do I make it even more authentic, how do we say the truest, most authentic thing? And with fashion, in regards to my clothing, yesterday I went in my closet and thought, what is not truly me? Even if I looked great in it, that's still not a true representation of me, so what is the truest. Which may be no clothes that day. Sometimes when I go to (the other) Addie's photo shoots, I take a decorative towel and I just wrap it around myself, I show up in a towel. Ha. I don't care. I'm going to wear a towel. So yeah. I'm going to show up comfortable, but truly me. Beautiful as far as, not make up, just the truest, this is me and it's free and flowing,

Addie: I love that. I don't know if this is the most true theology or representation, but when I think of us as humankind, collectively created in the image of the creator, I think of that as kind of fragmented into each of us, so the diversity, we need to know as many people as truly as we can to know more of the divine and the purpose of the world and our place in it.

Leilani: I love that.

Addie: So part of what I wanted to encourage in my writing, is whatever you think is the most weird thing about you, lean into that, because whatever makes you the most different part of the picture, of the story, We all need that. We need those things from each other. And if we're all trying to kind of buff the edges off, and be a little more similar, fit a little more standardized hole, then we're missing the richest bits that we need from one another.

Leilani: It makes me think of the Dark Crystal, where the shard goes in the crystal to complete it, we're It's like we all carry a little shard. I love that. To know God is to know the deeper weirder things of one another.

Addie: So what roles do your clothes need to play for you?

Leilani: Gosh, I know we're talking about clothes, but, dang, the bra thing. I still need to go bra shopping. It's like people used to say, "Children need to be seen and not heard." I don't need to hear my clothes. I don't even need to feel you on me. I find that as I get older I really am one of those people with textures or the seam on the sock has to go on the outside. It needs to feel comfortable and I need to feel like it represents me, that it feels free and flowing, and it's not complicated. It doesn't require accessories. Since I have a cleaning business, I need a lot of movement, and I like clothes that, in that sense, fit close to my body. But for the most part I'm naked, so then it plays no role whatsoever, unless, "Oh, shit, the mailman's here I need to throw something on, that you know, covers me." And then if we go out to eat, or if I want to dress up or look professional, the role it plays, it still needs to, I don't know. That's a tricky one for me.

Addie: I feel like, really flown breezy things, are not just physically comfortable to you, they really visually represent you being very free and uninhibited.

Leilani: Yes, movement, space, and um pockets. Ha. And something soulful, even if it's something more structured, that there's something stately about it. I don't have a lot of structured pieces in my closet, but the ones that are there are almost like, queenly, I'm not being forced and stiff, I am here, I'm uhh

Addie: I'm doing a thing called Queen Robe Project with a friend that I follow. It's an intro to sewing and pattern drafting and designing, but it's more, the emphasis is on, dream about how you want to feel, and design the thing for that. It affirms your worthiness.

Leilani: Yes. That was tricky for me, because, roles, I am usually barely wearing anything.

Addie: I think that's a role in itself, that it's not holding you back.

Leilani: Yes. Don't hold me back.

Addie: You have talked a little about this, but what contexts are you dressing for?

Leilani: The context usually, when we go out of town, let's say on a trip, How can I look put together, but very comfortable. Or when we visit his family, how can I lounge around without showing everything, so it's got to be a stretchy dress. Another would be like, my job, or fitness, any kind of movement. Again, like a date, I feel like I'm awkward in my body this year, because I think my body, being in it's forties now is changing, and things are a little different, also I think I've finally been able to build my butt muscles up, and so pants fit differently. I don't think it's necessarily that I've gained weight, it's just my muscles are more filled out. So I'm a little more self-conscious about dressing for dates, I'll just wear a big fluffy dress. I'm not forced to look professional or dress a certain way. If I did, I have a few tailored pieces, but that's very rare.

Addie: What creative work do you feel like you are birthing right now?

Leilani: I'm finding, I don't know if it's creative or more professional, a lot of people have been coming to me, especially in the last few weeks, saying, "You should have a YouTube channel or a podcast." But for now, I am just following a creative urge to make little instagram videos. They seem to be a lot less commitment for me and for the viewer. You don't have to follow a YouTube link, or blah blah, whereas boom the story is there. Yeah it's not going to last forever, but it's there and it delivers, and then it goes away, whatever. So yeah that's what my recent creative birthing is like, I feel like sharing this not in writing, I feel like sharing it in speaking, or I want more movement, or just little tidbits, so that's my latest creative thing is just, Oh, I could share this, in the moment, helpful tidbits.

Addie: What are you reading right now?

Leilani: Haha. Harry Potter. The Goblet of Fire. Again. Ha. In a way I think I always read Harry Potter this time of year. It makes me feel like I might be in England, and it might be a little bit cooler outside. I feel like it's like my fast pass to England. I can't even say I'm reading anything more intellectual.

Addie: What's your favorite book?

Leilani: Women Who Run With The Wolves.

Addie: Yeah

Leilani: My copy, it's like a reference manual. If I'm struggling in one area, I go to the book. I mean it's falling apart.

Addie: Yeah, mine's in pieces.

Leilani: I saw someone who had a copy that was a spiral. I'm like, What?! I need that. But I almost like my tattered one better. I take it anywhere. When I was in Peru for a month, I had that book, it was my pillow, I was in Mexico City, I'm laying on the airport floor, and that was my pillow.

Addie: Is there another artist, or you know, I use a very broad definition of creative, whose work gets your synapses firing right now?

Leilani: That's a good question. I'm going to have to come back to that, because I find a lot of expanders, or people whose work is expanding me have been in snippets or random things where I see someone's writing really quick, or like here's an example that's not applicable now, but in 2011, whenever I'd read Pioneer Woman's posts, I'd think, I want to write something now, and bleh, I'd just spit something out because it would just ignite me to create something. Right now I don't have a regular go-to person, but I know somewhere in there I've seen someone inspiring me to create something. Oh, I know, the leader of, it's called To Be Magnetic, it's a lot of neural reprogramming and the deep imagining, the owner and I guess the person who started that company is named Lacy Phillips, she lives life according to her terms, her clothes are flowier. Sometimes they're structured. When I see her I feel inspired to dig a little bit deeper into what I really love.

Addie: Do you listen to music when you work?

Leilani: No, but I have a song, I was on Facebook stories, and it was an airplane story, and I always click on them, like "Where are they going?!" And it was Wisconsin, but it had a little toon, that was Patrick something, I've literally been listening to his song all week. That's what I do. I hear a song, and think "I like that" and I listen to it for about an hour or two for about three days straight and then I don't listen to music. I binge one song, but for the most part, quiet.

Addie: Is there anyone you would love to collaborate with, with their work?

Leilani: In a way, I'm doing that right now. Starting my copywriting business, trying to get actual client work and for my portfolio. Working with Addie (the other one again), because she carries clothes that I've worn, and I say, "Okay, I want to be a part of what you're doing". And the clothing line Masai that she carries, I want to be a part of what they're doing. And a workout I do, it's called Nourish Move Love. It's a YouTube channel. I want to be a part of that team. My favorite coffee Life Boost, I want to be a part of their team. I like what they do, I like their mission, I like how they source their coffee, so yeah from my workout, my coffee, my clothing/friend/side job. I want to be a part of those things.

Addie: How do you like to show your body love and gratitude?

Leilani: One really sweet way is, I'll do legs up the wall, and I'll take a falsa blanket and I'll wrap it and tuck tuck tuck around the abdomen, and if I really want to soothe and love and nurture my body that is one way that is like being held. It is very nurturing. Of all the things you could add, working out, and eating good food and all that, but that particular little thing is very sweet.

Addie: Do you have any other practices that you think of as like rituals?

Leilani: Yeah, my morning rituals. I need my mornings. I think that's why school made me panic, just having to be somewhere and show up and be on. My morning stretches until about ten o'clock, and I need that, my coffee and then my bathroom break and then my breakfast and all of that needs to be a big window. So that's a ritual. Every night before bed, since 2009, I've done Surya Namaskar, and I don't do a sunrise salutation in a fast way. I take each pose and stretch it, and it's more of a hatha. Everything get's stretched out before bed. There's been a few nights I have to skip it. —Even in the airport. If I'm stuck in there, I'm doing it.— I will be forced to wake up and do it anyway, because my body is used to being put down a certain way. You know, every part has been noticed and recognized, and cared for, so yeah those in the morning and the night are huge.

Addie: Who in your life makes you feel valued and appreciated?

Leilani: My husband! I feel seen! I think, Yes, you see me. Thank you. My sisters and I have a very hard relationship, and when I talk about a lot of forgiveness lately it's been my sister, and kind of growing up in my family being labeled as all these things, so to have someone who sees Me, and is in my corner in a healthy way. I really have appreciated him.

Addie: Is there a practice or interest in your life that you have loved as long as you can remember, or when did you find the things that you love?

Leilani: Movement. I've always wanted to do ballet and gymnastics. My family just did not have the money, and I started watching this movie, Dream a Little Dream, in the sixth grade, and I loved the soundtrack, and so I would assign myself dance class as soon as I got home from school, "At four o'clock I have dance class." I would just make up my own moves and then stretch. I was always stretching. I still do that, and when I was single and didn't have anyone to answer to or go to bed with, I'd do my bedtime yoga routine and then two hours later wake up on the floor because I just got lost in it. I get lost in body movement and exploration, since such a young age, probably five years old I started to do all those things. And then with writing, I've always in some capacity been like the one, if we were assigned in English class to write a story, or something I'd be getting all excited, or even if it wasn't my major, I was most excited about writing my essays for English classes, and I'd care more for those things, and agonize over them, I'd want to like play with the words. So those are two things I've always been just drawn to.

Addie: What parts of your work stretch and challenge you or where do you want to grow?

Leilani: Feeling like I have a place at the table to begin with. Right now I feel like, everyone else can do this. Everyone else knows how to figure out career. I listen to a podcast, "I Will Teach You To Be Rich" and he'll have people on there who are in financial straights, who make a lot of money, but who are in a lot of debt. And they'll say, "Well, I'll just make more money." And he tells them, "That's not the mindset you want.", but I'm thinking, "Who are these people that can just say, 'Well, I'll just make more money'?" I always feel like, I am just not able to make money. I don't know how to figure it out. I figured it out with my cleaning business, but now as I'm switching to something new, I'm back at the start. I don't feel that way. I'm not professional, and I'm not… So that right now is my biggest growth. I can do this. Just like everything else I do, it may not look like everyone else's, but I have a seat at the table. I can take my time and just gain all the career, just the basic level. I am capable. I am constantly coming up against that, and slowly but surely stretching. Even if it doesn't end up working out for me, I've got to get through this mindset.